Urban Legend: The Beast of Trump Towers


On the night of December 14th, 2003, a young man, who wishes to remain nameless, had just finished the first day of his internship with a financial company situated within Trump Towers. His day had gone fairly usually for such an organization, he had been spat at, slapped, and called a “poor cunt with a suit that looks like a trash bag”. As he attempted to pack his belongings into his bag, along with what was left of the cheese and salad sandwich which had been slapped out of his mouth, his superior stopped him.

“You’ve got to stay behind today, it’s the monthly meeting,” the individual said with a sly smile appearing on his face “the man upstairs requires everyone to attend”.

Being new to the city, and somewhat dim, the new employee agreed, despite not having a clue what the meeting itself would exactly entail. He was instructed to wait for 30 minutes, then make his way to the penthouse, via the private lift that went only to the top and bottom floor. Upon entering the lift, his eyes were blinded by the gaudy gold-plated innards of the small space, and as he pressed the button for the floor, a piece of the diamond-encrusted ‘Penthouse’ button fell to the floor. As the lift ascended, a MIDI version of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’ played repeatedly as the enclosure slowly climbed. After 30 minutes, the lift arrived at its destination and the doors slowly slid open, filling the enclosure with a thick smog and the sound of a drum being violently hit in a slow succession.

“Is he in there? That weak loser in there? Where is that new moron?” a voice bellowed from within as multiple voices could be heard chanting in unison “He is coming father, and it will be tremendous”. The voice replied, “Ok, great, tremendous, bring him in”.

Before he knew it, the young man was approached on either side by two men, both dressed in long hooded cloaks which were barely just covering their slicked-back hair which was glowing due to the astonishing amount of hair gel which had been slathered on them.

“Bring her over here, my favorite, the one that I have so much in common with, bring her in. I want her to see how huge it is” the voice bellowed again, as he pronounced the word ‘huge’ as if it began with the word ‘you’ instead of a H.

The smoke continued to fill the young man’s eyes as he was dragged across a golden floor towards what appeared to be an altar of some sort, all the while the word ‘tremendous’ could be heard being quietly chanted.

“This is great… this is great” the voice bellowed again as it’s owner rushed through the smoke. The fog was still thick, so the only thing that the young man could see was a golden head of thin hair, equally slicked back but without the use of a stiffening agent of any kid. “I love it… I love it.” the voice bellowed as the young man began to feel some paper being stuffed into his undergarments.

“I’m here” a voice belonging to a young woman sounded in the distance. “Mother’s been put to bed with her usual cocktail,” the voice stated as it began to laugh dryly “how is this week’s one, tremendous?”.

“Absolutely, do you see how huge (you-ge) this thing is? Get over here” the main voice bellowed again as the block that the young man lay on shook with intensity.

“What? What is that!?” the young woman began to screech “Was he sitting outside begging for money? Look at that suit!”.

“I can’t see it, let me get a look here…” the main voice returned, remaining quiet for a moment as its sausagey fingers moved through the air at lightning speed to disperse the smoke.

“What the heck!? I can’t eat this, what the hell are you trying to do in here? First, you make me wait, then you bring me meat like this? You’re insulting me, this is supposed to be tremendous, but it’s a huge (you-ge) insult to myself, my family, and the American public, including my foreign wife who is currently asleep.” The voice violently pushed the man from where he lay, flinging his body across the room and back into the golden elevator which soon closed and descended again. The young man in question states that due to the surreal nature of this event, he cannot be truly sure if it occured, however, the next morning he did discover that he had been branded with a dollar sign on the back of his neck, so… who knows.

The young man in question states that due to the surreal nature of this event, he cannot be truly sure if it occurred, however, the next morning he did discover that he had been branded with a dollar sign on the back of his neck, so… who knows.

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