Editor’s Note: Once again, as the writer of this piece, Dr. Reginald Snap, was born and raised in the East End of London, his use of language is a direct result of his upbringing. It is, therefore, advsiable to read this article with a cockney Londoner’s voice in mind.
The following story is one of legendarily London sex pest Dudley Doodly, aka The Dingle Dangler. In his day, his perversion was so well known that school children were ordered to carry knives and any other sharp instrument they had lying around the house with them at all times, a stipulation which itself would lead to the ‘Browning School Butter Knife Massacre’, but that’s a story for another day.
Dudley was born to a single mother in North London in 1972. His mother had been knocked up by an on-leave sailor, the pair spent a steamy night together bobbing up and down in the Thames, although apparently, she was doing most of the bobbing. 9 months later, Dudley was shat out in an alleyway behind the local disco ‘Greasy Gary’s’. He was a relatively normal boy until one event in his childhood would change him forever. One morning Dudley’s mother awoke to a dripping noise. Upon entering Dudley’s room, she realised that, at the age of 6 years old, Dudley had pissed the bed. Furious, she grabbed the lad by the ankles, dragged him down stairs (knocking his noggin against each step as they went), and threw him into the garden. The dozy cow then proceeded to tie him upside down (by his feet) to the clothesline. When the next-door neighbour, horrified, asked her what she was up to, Dudley’s mother’s replied “he’s only gone and done a wet in the bed ain’t he? I’m ‘anging the little scrote out ta dry!”. So the legend goes – he was hanging upside down on that clothesline for so long that his arms, fingers, ears, and especially his knacker sack, were stretched a horrifying amount (his knackers were almost at his chin). Dudley was eventually cut down from the clothesline and from then on would have an obsession with the act of ‘dangling’.
Dudley’s first dangle would be in the very home that created his obsession. A month or so after the clothesline incident, Dudley decided to interrupt a conversation between his mother, grandmother and a few of her friends. They were all in the kitchen nattering about some rubbish when Dudley decided to slowly open the door, he was as naked as the day he’d slipped out of his mother’s crevasse. The women didn’t notice Dudley at first, which brought him much irritation, so he decided to knock it up a notch. Grabbing his low hanging bollocks in his hand, he violently swung them around in circles, running full pelt around the kitchen table whilst he slapped each woman in the face at least twice before they realised what was going on. Dudley’s mother screeched and ran after him, slipping over on a liquid mess Dudley had made on the floor in excitement. The shock was too much for some of the women, upon the sight of Dudley’s knackers one had a heart attack which killed her instantly, and at least 2 others were violently sick into their cuppa.
The rest of his childhood was spent most in the cupboard of his bedroom, after the kitchen event his mother refused to speak to him and would lock him in there for hours, only letting him out to go to school. At the age of 12 he would be expelled from school. One morning during assembly, Dudley was nowhere to be seen, he was purposely late as he was hiding in the toilets in the corner of the school hall, waiting for his moment. After the headmaster had finished addressing the students, he returned to his seat to finish his cup of tea. Dudley was watching all of this from a small crack in the toilet door. As the morning prayers started, Dudley flung open the door revealing himself to again be stark bollock naked. He ran furiously towards the headmaster, whilst his knackers trailed behind him, bumping and scraping across the floor. Students who were present claim he leaped multiple feet into the air, with bollocks in hand, towards the headmaster and almost dipped them into the old man’s cup of tea. Before they could reach the headmaster turned swiftly around, raising his hand outwards slapping Dudley right in the balls, the slap was so hard that it sent Dudley’s balls flying off in the other direction, with him soon following. It is said that the slap itself had so much force behind it that it stretched his knacker sack even further down to the ground (reportedly an extra 30 cm), they were now brushing against his ankles.
Dudley’s later years were much of the same, he was effectively homeless, sleeping on park benches and scrounging for food. New clothes weren’t much of a problem for him as he rarely wore them (apart from an oversized raincoat which was easily unbuttoned should the opportunity present itself). He’d first do bird when he was caught dipping his scrote on the neck of a sleeping tramp, who awoke halfway through and reportedly bit one of his bollocks so hard that it burst inside the sack making the sack even heavier than it was before (and of course even more low-hanging, they were now scraping along the floor).
During his time in prison he was regularly beaten up due to his shower antics (in a strange twist of fate he would be the only person to enter the showers fully clothed, psychologists suggest this was an act of reverse-dangling). Whilst in prison, Dudley became pen pals with a woman by the name of Barbara Slabarly (nick-named Babs The Slabs for her extremely large, drooping breasts). Upon his release he would finally meet Babs and discover her true nature, she was very much like him. Her penchant was dipping her ‘slabs’ into the dinner of the diners at the restaurant she worked at for a short time. Dudley and Babs bonded even more over their love of dangling various bits and bobs on/into people. A year later their first son Dingle Doodley was born, however, it wouldn’t be long until Dudley would return to prison. He would be reported by one of his neighbours for hanging his young son upside down for the clothesline in the garden, when the police arrived he simply replied “i’m just dryin’ ‘im off, he’s only gone and pissed ‘imself din’t he!”.
However Dudley’s second stint in prison would not last long, on his 45th birthday he was brutally murdered in his prison cell after dangling his bollocks in Frankie Fat Fingers, one of the most feared inmates’, gruel. He was found hanging by his own elongated knacker sack from the top bunk of his shared cell. And so ended the story of Dudley Doodley, the Dingle Dangler.
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