Weekly Horoscopes – Week of 24th July


As the moon’s consistency becomes even more curdled this week, I strongly advise all to limit their outdoor activity to around just 30 minutes a day. Or failing that, if you have to go outside, please wear heavy sunscreen and/or multiple talismans to ward off bad luck and sexual predators – this is a direct result of the Centauranus Star moving its way forcibly into the orbit of Mars, via any means necessary.


Aries: Due to the crassness of Aries’ nature, you would do well to hold your tongue this week and hold back any inclinations to share sexist/racist jokes with co-workers as you never know who might be listening. As a result of Centauranus’ movement, you would also do well to dampen any violent sexual urges you may have this week, if it’s a choice between committing assault or finishing yourself off in the workplace toilet, I implore you, choose the latter.


Taurus: This week you will undoubtedly encounter a difficult event which you should work towards counteracting with the least amount of effort possible. Usually, horoscopes are somewhat vague and all-encompassing, however, this week’s readings for those of the Bull-inclination is incredibly clear and specific – Do not eat the tuna salad sandwich that your superior at work offers you, as it will most certainly be far more fishy than usual for one specifically horrible reason that I will not go into detail of now.


Gemini: Being a Gemini, you are most likely intelligent and therefore incredibly stuck-up and elitist. As such, this week you should attempt to lower yourself from your high horse/ivory tower and come back down to earth. No one likes a snob, therefore you should concentrate on practicing humility, that or simply stay out of the way of everyone that is not the same sign as you, otherwise, you run the risk of offending or enraging others which, hopefully, will lead to you being viciously beaten in public. In short – stop thinking you’re the center of the universe.


Cancer: This week, like any other week, it is imperative that you get yourself tested for any malignant tumors or diseases. If you are over the age of forty, I recommend that you ask your doctor, or close personal friend, to insert their finger into your most private of places to see if anything has changed from last week, also, make this a weekly occurrence. As Centauranus continues to force its way into you, remain clenched and uninviting, with an aura of “I’m not in the mood this week”, this will ward off any unwanted attention.


Leo: Centauranus will mostly affect your hair this week, therefore it is advisable that if experiencing especially frizziness, you should switch brands of shampoo or use a more herbal remedy (I recommend rose petals pummelled into a fine paste mixed with the excretion of ladybugs, it will take a while to amass enough liquid from the bugs but once you see how shiny and full your hair is now, you’ll know that it is completely worth it).


Virgo: Usually-shy Virgos this week will have the unusual inclination to come out of their shells, be more confident and make new friends. However, this is a trick from Centauranus and will only result in embarrassment and a new-found feeling of shame that will haunt you throughout your life. As you are reading this, the urge to go out in public and defecate on a park bench is no doubt boiling up within you, please resist the urge and keep your bowel movements to the toilet, or failing that, a quiet and non-crowded outside area such as the woods.


Libra: As Libras are mostly whores, I suggest that this week, you fight your most common urge to either sow your seed or allow the usual 10+ men to lay their eggs inside you this by instead refraining and pleasuring yourself. You need to learn that love doesn’t purely exist in the throbbing appendages of others, and in actual fact can be found within, via the use of baby oil and a firm yet gentle pull, or a small yet powerfully vibrating device.


Scorpio: As a Scorpio, your dominant urge is to be the leader and impress those around you. However, Centauranus is here to show you how pathetic you actually are, and that your need for validation is purely a mask to cover your inherent and inbuilt shame regarding your physical and facial features. Not everyone in life can be beautiful, this is the natural order of things, therefore, accept your hideousness, embrace it, and please, for the sake of others, stay in doors as much as possible.


Sagittarius: This week is perhaps the most important week of your life so far in that you will be given the opportunity to either destroy yourself via the use of alcohol and/or drugs, or transform into a more enlightened being. Far be it from me to tell you which to do, but I would say that the latter is perhaps the healthier option. If, however, you wish to no longer live, please do it on your own time and don’t interrupt anyone’s’ lives or schedule, no one likes the person that jumps in front of the train and makes everyone late for work.


Capricorn: Being a half-goat half-fish, this week you will experience a significantly damp aura, as well as the urge to buy a woolen jumper, the type that is ironically purchased from a second-hand vintage shop for 12 times the price that it was originally sold for. The man behind the counter tells you he thinks it looks good, but he himself is wearing a gaudy Hawaiian shirt over a woman’s dress because he thinks it makes him look androgynous and therefore attractive to the opposite sex, so what the fuck does he know? This weeks advice: don’t listen to crossdressers, this will only result in being a laughing stock at work as a result of your poor fashion choices.


Aquarius: The watery nature of Aquarius means that, quite like the awful song, this week you’ll be asking “why does it always rain on me?”. This will be a direct result of it actually raining specifically on you and no one else. The cause? None other than Centauranus quite literally leaking itself onto you, the reason being that Centauranus has a particular dislike to Aquarius due to itself constantly being rejected by this sign. Carry an umbrella with you at all times and some shampoo as the rain may occasionally include pieces of shit.


Pisces: This week will be the worst week of your life, seemingly nothing will go right for you and you will curse your friends, family and society in general for bringing this curse upon you. However, this is in actual fact completely your fault as you are, by nature, a cunt. Therefore, you should learn to accept the hardships that befall you as they are completely and unequivocally a direct result of your own foolish and selfish actions and nature.

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