Editor’s Note: The following article contains medical advice and instructions. If you are of a nervous or squeamish disposition (or if you have a family member looking over your shoulder) it is strongly advised that you do not read this article.
Dear Love Doctor,
I met a woman recently through a chat-room on the web and we instantly hit it off. She wants to meet in person next month at a hotel, she says she wants me to ‘set phasers to cum’ (Star Trek fan). I presume she wants me to have sex with her, but I’ve never done it before because of the dangers of it (cum germs created by the government to make everyone penisless and then pregnant with alien babies). I’ve heard once you put it in, if she’s got the germ it just crumbles off inside like a soggy biscuit (actually funnily enough she said she also wanted to play ‘soggy biscuit’ with me too but I’m not sure what it is, is it a mobile game?). Is there any way I can tell if she or I have the germ, and if so, what can I do to stop the crumbling (or to tell her I don’t want to do it anymore?).
Sex can be a scary thing, especially the first time, and especially if your penis is going to melt off half-way through. It’s true that ‘cum germs’ are now, unfortunately, a very common and very real problem due to our despicable secret world government. Therefore, I will walk you through how to identify it, and if its present, how to protect against it, and also how to deal with ‘the crumble’.
Identifying Cum Germs: Detecting whether the germ is present is the first defense against it. Self-detection (or ‘Thumbing of the Bum’ technique as I like to cheekily refer to it) is the first step. This is for you to check yourself, my advice would be – be gentle and loving to yourself as a thumb in the wrong direction can cause a massive breakdown of the anal cavity. First, slip your (preferably lubricated) thumb into your anus (gently of course), try and place it as far in as possible, once you have reached your limit, keep it there for a few moments (don’t wiggle!). If after a few moments of stillness you feel a sharp bite to the end of your thumb, then you’ve got cum germs (the germs have large teeth and will literally bite any intruder in the anal cavity). If you feel no bite whatsoever then proceed to remove your thumb at your own leisure. Identifying cum germs in your partner or someone else is the same, however, I advise that the person uses their own thumb as if they are infected but you are not, and you are bitten by their anal cum germs, the germs will almost certainly spread to you.
Defense Against Cum Germs: Unfortunately, sometimes people contract cum germs without knowing (by sitting on a dirty toilet seat, or drinking something that someone has secretly secreted bodily fluid into without their knowledge). If this occurs, then there are precautions you can take to stop the spread of the germs. The best defense would be to wear protection during intercourse or sexual activity. I’m speaking specifically of a custom-made condom. Currently no company is mass-producing condoms made specifically for cum germ avoidance (due to the fact that it is currently not common knowledge outside of conspiracy theorist circles). However, they are easily constructed, take a sheet of tin foil and wrap it tightly around your or your man’s penis. It may be uncomfortable but it’s the only way to stop the cum germs from spreading. Tin foil condoms are also effective for stopping extraterrestrials from gaining ‘Penile-Control’ of you, but that’s a subject for another day. In regards to the tin foil, I highly recommend double-wrapping, the bonus is it will help you last longer.
Dealing With ‘The Crumble’: Perhaps you’ve read this article too late and your member has just liquefied inside a cavity of some sort, or perhaps it happened to you a long time ago and you’ve just never known what to do about it. Well, my advice would be to use the ‘cork-it’ method. It’s exactly as it sounds, get a cork (preferably not a used one, wine fragments cause extreme burning to the ‘cock cavern’) and insert it firmly into the hole where your penis used to extend out of. This will stop any unwanted leaking as well as cum germs from dribbling out in public areas (stopping the spread). In regards to urination, I recommend you carry a plastic bag with you at all times, if you need to urinate, find a quiet and private space, place your legs through the handle so the plastic bag is in a nappy-like position, and remove your cork. Just make sure you use a bag without any holes otherwise you’re going to have a mess on your shoes.
So there you have it, be safe IofSauron23, make sure you perform all the checks needed prior to placing yourself inside and I’m sure you will be fine. P.S. Soggy biscuit is more of a group activity, recommended for 3+ players.
TO JERRY: I told you in my last article that it would be the last time I would ever correspond with you, however, I need to tell you that the last set of polaroid’s of your Mother’s rash didn’t develop clearly, please re-take and send. I think you are holding the flash too close to the subject and it’s causing a blur. If you’re going to send a picture to me they might as well be visible.
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