Strange But Presumably True: Jesus Reborn? – Part 2


Editors Note: The following is the continuation of the interview I undertook with the supposed saviour himself, Jesus Christ. Read Part 1 here if you’ve yet to delve into the depths of the archives.


FL: What is next for the Son of God, do you plan to end poverty, initiate world peace?

JC: Well straight after this I need to hop on the subway, my girlfriend’s dog gave birth to puppies so we’re gonna paint them white with black spots and pretend they’re dalmatians to sell them for a higher price.

FL: I mean in the grand scheme of things, what’s next.

JC: Well, it’s difficult to decide between things like world peace, ending poverty, destroying the injustices of the modern world. How do you decide between them, which one is most important? I can’t really prioritise one over the other so I just do bits and pieces for each.

FL: That’s understandable, so let’s go through each one-by-one then. What was the last thing you did to stop poverty?

JC: Fed a homeless man.

FL: That’s very noble of you.

JC: Yeah, I was absolutely starving.

FL: Next, what’s the last thing you did to foster world peace.

JC: Well last week I stopped a fight from happening between to people on the street. They were arguing over a wallet that was dropped on the floor, they both called dibs and said it was theirs so I stepped in, did a bit of ‘Jesus magic’ and gave them a lecture about ‘it is no ones but the lords’ etc and whoosh, disappeared.

FL: Where did it go?

JC: Well, into my back pocket, slight of hand you see but to them it was a miracle and an important lesson so that’s the most important thing.

FL: Lastly what are you doing to stop the injustices of the world.

JC: Every week I attend a march against wall street, the corporations running this world and the elite behind them are pulling the strings.

FL: I see, so is it safe to say you believe many conspiracy theories that are in the current collective consciousness.

JC: Absolutely, you could say I’m part of one seeing as much of my life and history has been embellished. I would say the most astounding one would be the reptilians.

FL: David Icke’s theory that many of the world leaders are In fact a race of reptilian beings?

JC: Indeed, I can believe it, once had an encounter with a young lady whose tongue could reach places you’d never dreamed of, it certainly wasn’t normal so it had to be something out of this world.

FL: What other theories are you a believer of?

JC: Vampires, lots of people these days have very sharp and pointy teeth so it must be true.

FL: Do you believe they drink blood?

JC: Must do, saw a documentary about it a few years ago on TV through the window of a shop, seems like a company actually makes a synthetic blood substitute for them so they’ve got to be out of there.

FL: Are you referring to the television program ‘True Blood’?

JC: No idea what it was called but it looked interesting. Another one I believe is the Michael Jackson one.

FL: Which theory would that be?

JC: That he used to be black, he’s not a white person contrary to what people think. There’s actually quite a lot of evidence to suggest that he was originally a black man.

FL: I think that’s common knowledge.

JC: Well, what with the internet these days conspiracies and whatnot are common knowledge right, I mean, everyone knows about 9/11.

FL: What do you believe happened on that day?

JC:  Well that it was done by that supermarket chain 7/11. Publicity stunt or something, they were just a couple of months late as it was hard trying to convince a few of the employees to hijack a plane.

FL: That’s a new one, I’ll have to look into it. Lastly, I’d like to ask you, what’s next for mankind, is their darkness or light ahead for the human race?

JC: Well I think, what with morning and evening we’ve got both in store, but as summer comes the light will take over the darkness more and the evenings will be warmer, which is always a plus for people sleeping on the street.

FL: I mean more in terms of society, human beings, wars etc, will things get better or worse.

JC: Interesting question, and one that’s very difficult to answer. I don’t do the whole ‘predicting the future thing’ but there is an old gypsy woman who sits on the corner a block or so away from me who does fortune telling, I can probably ask her for you if you’d like.

FL: Jesus Christ, thank you very much for your time.

JC: A pleasure, if you ever want to talk to me again, a free lunch and a donation to the church is all I ask for.

For More Strange, But Presumably True Stories, Read On:

I Worked at Area 35.5

I Woke Up to a Divorce

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